Gifts.....

I was on a walk with my beautiful little girl today and I was once again struck by the beautiful gift she is. Besides my amazing husband she is the most incredible gift the Father has blessed me with.
Since last March we have been wanting to grow our family. For now, the Lord has said "no." In this process of the last year, we have gone through so many stages. First it was the feeling of being invincible. For example, we got pregnant with Catherine immediatly, so we thought adding to our family would be no big deal. Boy was I wrong, after about 3 months I started to get really angry and mad at God in my lack of understanding. Then after about 2 or 3 more months, I started getting really depressed and sad. No one could say anything that wouln't make me cry, I was an emotional wreck.(My poor, poor husband.) After a little while I started trying to figure it out, to analyze it all. Time of month, amount of days, I read anything and everything and it became a game, that I am obviously not winning. Then in about December, I tried to pretend like it didnt matter and I didnt care, if we did we did and if not, Im fine, just fine. I could put up my wall and put on my smile while inside I was cringing at the announcement of another friend getting pregnant, I was crying inside every time I saw a mom and a newborn baby and I was not letting my husband or my daughter into my life. So last month after a total breakdown, I let it all out, for the first time I acknowleged my pain, my anger my frustration and my brokeness, in that I realized my husband feels all those same thing and my daughter, just wants mommy to "have a happy day, no more crying." At that time I was blessed with that peace that He says "surpasses all understanding." I was able to rest for the first time with out trying to figure it all out, and I was able to laugh with my husband and we were all able to cry together. Now here we are still hoping, still longing and still begging Jesus for the gift of life to be added to our family, but in the midst of hoping, longing and begging we are (I am) able to rest in the beauty of who Jesus is. He loves us, he is not out to get us, he wants to bless us and he cares so incredibly for my broken heart. But he wants to be the one to heal it, as amazing as a baby would be, he has to be the one who heals me and my brokeness.
So back to my daughter being a gift.......I am at a point now, that I should have been at a long, long time ago, where I am realizing the TRUE miricle and gift and blessing that my amazing daughter is. To get to be her mom and to remember carrying her in my womb and the pains of labor and the struggles of breastfeeding and the sleepless nights, the memories I once considered so hard and miserable, I now consider some of the most amazing times in my life. I want to cherish the good the bad the hard, the fun, the struggles, the joy and the absolute gift and miricle it is that I get to be a MOM! I love being a mom and I love my beautiful little girl. The one who calls me when she is scared, the one who wants to hold my hand when she falls asleep, the one who want me to sing to her and rock her, the one who crys for me when she doesnt know what else to do. I hope I always remember to treasure being called "mom." It is a pure gift from my precious Jesus who loves me so much. I am also so blessed to be called wife to an amazing husband who loves me and adores me in all of my yuckiness and pride. I love that he is my partner that I get to grow up with and experience life with.
We will see what the next stage is........hopefully a little one, but until then I will rest in the arms of one who know me better that I know myself.