Update on Waddells

Hello All!!! I started this blog really thinking I could keep up with it. Its a lot harder than it seems. I sometimes sit down to write and then feel like I have nothing to say. It has been a crazy 6 months. Catherine turned 3 and James and I both turned 26 in the last 6 months. Things have been going really well. James walked for graduation from Seminary with his MDiv in May and is now finishing up some summer classes. Its amazing how much a piece of paper can change so much. We are in a transition stage of not knowing what is next. We are continuing to learn and grow as we trust in his plan for us. It too is so much harder than it seems.
James started working at Starbucks this summer so we could benefit from their insurance. I didnt know how much else we would benefit from. Only 20 hours a week for insurance, a free bag of coffee every week, great employee discounts and free coffee for me everytime he comes home from work. Not to shabby. He, for now will teach Math at a Charter School part time and work at Starbucks part time. Its not ideal but its better than throwing Seminary in there too. I am also starting work this next week!! I will be working as the Childrens Pastor assistant for our Church. We go to an amazing Church and I have been involved with the Childrens Ministries for about 3 years now. I am really excited, the best part is I get to make up my own hours. I will also be running a Moms Day out Program for 2-3 year olds. I am very ready to get back into the school year.
Catherine is growing everyday! She is 3 and a half and she is wearing 5 year old clothes. She is tall and skinny like her daddy. She is learing to read and write, she loves to learn. It has to be on her timing but she loves to learn. She memorizes songs like no other. She is seeming to start grasping on to so much of what we are trying to teach her. Like, how much she is loved, not only by us but by her creator, that Jesus always protects her. And that people are more important than things, so its better to build a relationship than to have things or to fight over things. She is learning that everyone needs Jesus and not everyone hears about Jesus so we are supposed to tell people about Jesus. I just love when she prays and when she is really thinking about the things we are saying. She is old enough to express emotion and does very well at it. She is strongwilled and stubborn, but i wouldnt have it any other way. She is so uniquely created by our precious Jesus and I am so proud of my precious little girl.
As for our family......please keep us in your prayers and we are begging God for another child. Sometimes I feel like I am asking too much and sometimes I feel like when it comes so easy for others, that I am asking nothing. I continue to struggle in my battle with who He says i am and what He thinks of me. I know in my head I am his beloved and he cares so deeply and intimatly for me, but sometimes it just doesnt get all the way to my heart and I get so jealous and afraid that his plan is not the plan I had in mind. Yet through all of this, we met a lady from our Church and she runs her own Adoption Agency and has talked with us quite a bit about adopting. I love kids so much and I love being a mom more than anything, maybe Gods plan for me is to love the kids and babies that would otherwise not be loved. Maybe he wants James and I to create a safe home for so many unloved children. Now these are only considerations and thoughts right now, but we are more than willing if thats what we feel God is calling us to do.
We are also running into to the infamous "whats next" phase of life. We are longing to do missions and be in a church. So the next phase is really pushing towards those goals. We will definatly have to wait and see, but we are hopeful and excited to take this next step together.
I love being a Mom to my Catie J and I love being a wife to the most amazing Man alive. God is good, gracious and faithfu.. When I remember his blessings and his amazing gift of life, I gain new perspective every time. He is GOOD!!!

She is Gods gift and miracle. We are unbelivably thankful for her precious life.

A look Back

I cannot believe my beautiful little girl is gonna be 3 on Saturday. It sometimes seems like yesteday we were bringing her home from the hospital. I was able to remember my labor story with my sister this weekend and I am amazed at how quickly it makes me cry with happy tears everytime I remember. I am also amazed at how quickly I am taken back to all the rush and emotions of fear and excitement that the day of her birth held for us.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night and my water had broken, I went tell James and he said i was probably just freaking out and I needed to go back to sleep. So after some convincing (a huge wet spot on our bed) we decided to call the nurse at the hospital to see what we should do. She said wait an hour and then come in. Since i wasnt having contractions, James proceeded to go back to bed and I started cleaning and freaking out. After the slowest hour of my life, I woke my husband up and we packed our bags and went to the hospital. They checked and my water had broken and they admitted me. Since I wasnt having any contractions and my water had broken, they decided to put me on pitocin (a hormone that starts contractions and speeds up labor). I didnt feel anything until about 6 that morning. When I did start feeling contractions I felt them hard and fast. And after about 6 hours of that and only being at 3 centimeters, I decided I needed an epidural NOW. Once I got the epidural I was starting to enjoy the whole labor and birth process, when all the sudden about 3 that afternoon the baby's heart rate dropped. I say baby because at the time we had not yet found out what we were having. All the sudden a rush of 5 or 6 doctors and nurses came running into the room and unplugging everything and started running me down the O.R. I had no clue what was going on and all I wanted was to see James. They finally told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping so quickly that they needed to do an emergency c-section. All of the sudden the anastesiologist came in a gave me the numbing medicine for a c-section and It came up so high in my chest I couldnt breath, so they did something. Well as they transfered me to the operating table, somehow the baby shifted and the heart rate shot right back up to normal. So my Doctor decided she didnt want to do a c-section if she didnt have to. They checked me and I was 10 centimeters but I coulnt push because of all the numbing medicine. So they gave me medicine to stop contractions, medicine to make the numbing ware off, medicing to lower my blood pressure and because I was vomiting, medicine for that as well. Well because of all the medicine, I started having little seizures. We are at about 4 pm at this time. After about 5 hours my medicines wore off and I felt contractions strong and hard, I told my new nurse I had to push and she told me I need to "hold on". I told her, "if you dont hurry up my husband will deliver this baby weather the doctor is here or not." I think she took me seriously because the doctor was in the room within 2 minutes. The baby's heart rate started dropping again and so they used the forceps and pulled my beautiful baby girl out. She had the umbilical cord wrapped around her little neck 3 times. All of that and she was a healthy 7lb 4oz little girl who was 19 inches long. She was just showing me a miniscule part of the stubborness that we are now working on. She has ever since that day only made my life happier and more beautiful. I love this little girl with all of my heart. She is a beautiful gift and miricle!!! It is so bittersweet celebrating her 3rd birthday. I so often wish I could go back to that day and feel the feeling of her brand new life in my arms, yet I am so happy and joyful to see my beautiful little angel and how she has grown and the precious heart she has. She is a leader and she is strong. She loves Jesus and she loves people so much. She is my beautiful Catherine Jane.

Gifts.....

I was on a walk with my beautiful little girl today and I was once again struck by the beautiful gift she is. Besides my amazing husband she is the most incredible gift the Father has blessed me with.
Since last March we have been wanting to grow our family. For now, the Lord has said "no." In this process of the last year, we have gone through so many stages. First it was the feeling of being invincible. For example, we got pregnant with Catherine immediatly, so we thought adding to our family would be no big deal. Boy was I wrong, after about 3 months I started to get really angry and mad at God in my lack of understanding. Then after about 2 or 3 more months, I started getting really depressed and sad. No one could say anything that wouln't make me cry, I was an emotional wreck.(My poor, poor husband.) After a little while I started trying to figure it out, to analyze it all. Time of month, amount of days, I read anything and everything and it became a game, that I am obviously not winning. Then in about December, I tried to pretend like it didnt matter and I didnt care, if we did we did and if not, Im fine, just fine. I could put up my wall and put on my smile while inside I was cringing at the announcement of another friend getting pregnant, I was crying inside every time I saw a mom and a newborn baby and I was not letting my husband or my daughter into my life. So last month after a total breakdown, I let it all out, for the first time I acknowleged my pain, my anger my frustration and my brokeness, in that I realized my husband feels all those same thing and my daughter, just wants mommy to "have a happy day, no more crying." At that time I was blessed with that peace that He says "surpasses all understanding." I was able to rest for the first time with out trying to figure it all out, and I was able to laugh with my husband and we were all able to cry together. Now here we are still hoping, still longing and still begging Jesus for the gift of life to be added to our family, but in the midst of hoping, longing and begging we are (I am) able to rest in the beauty of who Jesus is. He loves us, he is not out to get us, he wants to bless us and he cares so incredibly for my broken heart. But he wants to be the one to heal it, as amazing as a baby would be, he has to be the one who heals me and my brokeness.
So back to my daughter being a gift.......I am at a point now, that I should have been at a long, long time ago, where I am realizing the TRUE miricle and gift and blessing that my amazing daughter is. To get to be her mom and to remember carrying her in my womb and the pains of labor and the struggles of breastfeeding and the sleepless nights, the memories I once considered so hard and miserable, I now consider some of the most amazing times in my life. I want to cherish the good the bad the hard, the fun, the struggles, the joy and the absolute gift and miricle it is that I get to be a MOM! I love being a mom and I love my beautiful little girl. The one who calls me when she is scared, the one who wants to hold my hand when she falls asleep, the one who want me to sing to her and rock her, the one who crys for me when she doesnt know what else to do. I hope I always remember to treasure being called "mom." It is a pure gift from my precious Jesus who loves me so much. I am also so blessed to be called wife to an amazing husband who loves me and adores me in all of my yuckiness and pride. I love that he is my partner that I get to grow up with and experience life with.
We will see what the next stage is........hopefully a little one, but until then I will rest in the arms of one who know me better that I know myself.

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Long Time Coming......

So its been about 3 months since i have posted. To those of you who read this, I am sorry. I sometimes dont know what to write, but I figure I would get you caught up.

We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in New Mexico this year with my parents, and as always the holidays went a gazzilion times faster than we wanted them to. It was Catie J's 3rd christmas already, I cant believe she is getting so big. She loved every second of it all and got lots of barbies, I am amazed that she is already at this stage.

She is no longer a baby or a toddler, she is a little girl, an amazing little girl. We have been praying for the Lord to bless our family with another little one and she is waiting very paitently. She will lay her head on my tummy often and beg Jesus for a baby brother or sister. And then I start to cry and she starts to cry and thats when James really begins praying for a boy. She loves her friends and always asks for them to come over often. She loves to play dress up and she also likes to wrestle with her daddy. She is enamored by elephants and sleep with a stuffed elephant every night. She is going to be 3 in March and she is very excited about her birthday. She says she wants to have lots of princesses. She loves to sing and asks us to record her singing. She is such a goofball. I love staying home with her, everyday is another adventure. She loves life and doesnt miss a minute of it, unless I make her or she is sick.

James is finishing seminary this sememster and we are getting excited about options about what is next for our family. God has been so faithful and has provided so much during this time. As I talked with a friend of James' at his seminary chapel, I asked if he was graduating in may as well and he told me that he was only half way through. As we drove home that night, I realized the Lord blessed us so much with james' scholorship. We have not paid a penny for this incredible education that he is recieving. So many young families are paying so much money for this and we have been so honored and blessed with his scholorship. I dont know how we would have done it. I am also this sememster able to attend a class with him called Nurturing your Family. I have loved getting to join his world for a little bit and seeing where he is and meeting all his friends. I also love the class, we are being challenged as parents and as spouces. We love getting our 3 hours together on Tuesday nights and we love processing all week until the next class. This has been a sweet time in our life.

I am still teaching moms day out at our church just one day a week. The rest of the week, I am home, I get to hang out with Catie J and play with her. I also get to do what I love, I love cooking and cleaning. I love getting ready for James to come home, I love being a mom and a wife. I know this may sound silly to some, but I really feel like God gives women this inate longing to do these things. Or maybe im just weird. I really do feel so blessed to have a husband who works so hard, so I can stay home. Its just as important to him that I am home. I am truly blessed. Now to be honest there are definatly days where I want to stay under the covers and nevere get out of bed. But as much as anyone loves their life, im sure we all have those days.

We cling on the hope and faithfulness and grace of our precious Jesus. He loves us so much and he is always protecting and providing and teaching us. He has chosen us as His children and I am so blessed to be a child of the King. We hope and pray that we seek his wisdom and his kindom as we make decisions as parents, as spouces and as friends and as employees. Thank you Jesus for all that you give and do for us.

The Choice

I wrote this poem this morning. I hope you like!

I wake up each morning, searching for an answer.
How to I believe what I know
with all the knowledge in the world is true?
I am His beloved, wanted,
accepted, beautiful, and cherished child.
His Child, I am His child,
he not only formed and knit me together
he did that so I could be his very own.
He wants me like my earthly father wants me.
He desires for me to allow him to love me.
He longs for me to believe that I am his.
He hopes for me as a groom hopes for his bride.

So how to I believe with all my heart, this is true?
How do I let others love me and especially Him love me?
How do I let go of my earthly insecurities and trust?
How do I jump in with open arms and open heart
and allow these truths to touch the inner most parts of my heart?
How do I let go of all this hurt, to heal in His arms?
How do I love others as he loves me?
How do forget that its not about me?
How do I trust others to see the darkest corners of who I am,
and still allow them to love me?
How do I trust that He wants to bless me?
How do I know that he is in control,
when everything in my life is spiraling out of control?
How do I just rest in His arms and believe that He just loves me,
not who I can be, not who I once was, not my possessions,
not what I can do, not my status, not my job, etc....?

He loves me, He loves my heart, he loves the way he created me.
He created me, he knew before the beginning of time, that he wanted me.
He knew who my parents and brothers and sisters were gonna be.
He knew what I was gonna look like, He knew my personality,
He knew what my hurts and trials were going to be,
He knew that he wanted me for his very own.

You know, I know all of this in my head.
And honestly I do believe, with my head, that its all true.
But my heart is another issue.
So when I wake up each morning,
horrified and looking at myself in the mirror, I have to make a choice.
I choose to believe I am HIS!
I am loved, I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am cared for,
I am blessed and more than anything, I am HIS child.
A child of the wondrous, creator of the universe.
He is the creator of me. So he must love me.
And for that I choose to let him love me.