The Choice

I wrote this poem this morning. I hope you like!

I wake up each morning, searching for an answer.
How to I believe what I know
with all the knowledge in the world is true?
I am His beloved, wanted,
accepted, beautiful, and cherished child.
His Child, I am His child,
he not only formed and knit me together
he did that so I could be his very own.
He wants me like my earthly father wants me.
He desires for me to allow him to love me.
He longs for me to believe that I am his.
He hopes for me as a groom hopes for his bride.

So how to I believe with all my heart, this is true?
How do I let others love me and especially Him love me?
How do I let go of my earthly insecurities and trust?
How do I jump in with open arms and open heart
and allow these truths to touch the inner most parts of my heart?
How do I let go of all this hurt, to heal in His arms?
How do I love others as he loves me?
How do forget that its not about me?
How do I trust others to see the darkest corners of who I am,
and still allow them to love me?
How do I trust that He wants to bless me?
How do I know that he is in control,
when everything in my life is spiraling out of control?
How do I just rest in His arms and believe that He just loves me,
not who I can be, not who I once was, not my possessions,
not what I can do, not my status, not my job, etc....?

He loves me, He loves my heart, he loves the way he created me.
He created me, he knew before the beginning of time, that he wanted me.
He knew who my parents and brothers and sisters were gonna be.
He knew what I was gonna look like, He knew my personality,
He knew what my hurts and trials were going to be,
He knew that he wanted me for his very own.

You know, I know all of this in my head.
And honestly I do believe, with my head, that its all true.
But my heart is another issue.
So when I wake up each morning,
horrified and looking at myself in the mirror, I have to make a choice.
I choose to believe I am HIS!
I am loved, I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am cared for,
I am blessed and more than anything, I am HIS child.
A child of the wondrous, creator of the universe.
He is the creator of me. So he must love me.
And for that I choose to let him love me.

Motherhood and Life

A lightbulb just went on tonight for me! I am writing so fast because I have so much I am thinking and I dont want to forget it. Thanks once again to my daughter, I am learning more and more about myself. Its amazing how as parents you hear that you are the one that is supposed to be teaching and training and bringing up Godly men and women. But really I think so often its the other way around. I have and am still learning so much about my identity in Christ and his great love for me, as i raise my precious little girl.
Tonight, well I will skip back to last night. We had a rough night last night! I was woken up about 12:20 by hearing Catie J screaming. So we both jump out of bed realizing she just had a bad dream. After about and hour of rocking, singing, laying in bed with her, her laying in bed with us, etc.....We both started to get very irritable. We would lay her down and she would be screaming again (this time for attention, not dreams) just as we were falling back asleep, creating more irritability. After this had gone on for another 2 hours, she finally fell back asleep. 2 and a half hours later our alarm goes off. So needless to say, as I am sure all parents have experienced, the day started off tired and grumpy and frustrated. Those actions are then taken out on all that you are around, and it just makes for a yucky day.
So fastfoward to tonight. I am so tired, and I am so ready for Catie J to finally get in bed and go to sleep. As I am singing and praying with her, she starts pulling my hair, jumping on the bed, kicking her feet, talking to her animals.....anything you can think of besides just going to sleep. I was starting to get really frustrated and I said, "Ahhhhhh, you drive me crazy child!" She then started to cry. I wasnt sure why, probably part had to be a lack of sleep, but I felt really bad. I then apologized to her and thought I would tell her all the things I loved about her. As i started to tell her, she slowly started calming down, then she cuddled up with her bear and doggy, then she just stared at me with her beautiful big blue eyes and she didnt budge. When I was finished and about to kiss her goodnight, she says, "say it again mommy, please say you love me again."
I started to cry and I cry as I write this. I tell my baby girl I love her everyday, but for me to affirm her strengths and to affirm what I love so much about who she is, meant so much to her. I realized its so easy as a parent to focus on what your child does wrong that you forget to affirm and praise what they do right. James and I are the core people in her life that Christ has entrusted to teach her about who she is and her identity in him. I never ever want my daughter to think her Identity is her sin and the lies she believes to be true about herself. I want to teach her as I want so badly to continue to learn myself, that her identity is Christ in Catherine. Mine is Christ in Jerilyn. Because he lives in us and he is perfect, that is who we are. I am not saying that we are perfect, beacause sin is real and sin is apart of our earthly life, but sin is not who we are. My daughter is a beautiful, beloved daughter who was and is created and formed in the image of the Everlasting Father, she is his precious child and she is beautiful, just as she is.
I dont know if any of this makes sense and I am still processing it right now, so if you have anything to add I would love to hear it.

Family

I love my family. I always have known that I love my family, but for some reason, my heart is so full I cant explain it. I am more and more amazed at my Husband who works so hard so I can stay home, and I have never heard him complain once. He goes to school 3 nights a week and he comes home ready to be a daddy and a husband everyday. He goes on little sleep so he can spend more time with us. What a gift to have James, I always am so amazed at how I do not deserve this man that the Lord blessed me with, but Jesus in his amazing Grace, blessed me with James. I pray that as we grow old together, that we always laugh like we do now, that we communicate, that we love eachother more than we do now. And that we always work at getting to know eachother better.

And my little Catherine, how could you not love her. She is the light of our lives! She is always so happy. She is so intense and loves to make us happy. I think its weird, when I had Catherine I really didnt imagine it being like meeting a new person. I just figured I would know her so well already and that it would automatically be great. Dont get me wrong, it was great, but I am realizing as she grows, that I love getting to know my daughter more and more. More of her personality comes out everyday and I learn new things about her everyday. She keeps me on my toes, and we definatly dont get along perfectly everyday. I am still learning that I am the mom, and that its ok to say, "no" or to put her to bed even if she doesnt want to go to bed, or turn off a cartoon even if she doesnt want me to. I definatly laugh at James for having her wrapped around his finger, but I am just as guilty. I am just so thankful that I have James to help me and go on this journey of parenting with me. We even eachother out pretty well.

She is changing everyday, she is becoming a little girl and not a baby anymore. She loves princesses, and playing dressup, she wants to wear pretty dresses and glass slippers to church, she want to blowdry her hair and put curls in it, she wants to wear my makeup. She wants to cuddle with me before nap and bed time. She loves for me to caress her hair behind her ear when she is going to sleep. She loves to sing everynight before she goes to sleep, and she loves to sing all day long. She loves to jump off of the couch and she loves to run around in the nude when she feels like it. She loves to play hide and seek in the yard, and we love to look for stars on Tuesday nights while we wait for our husband and daddy to come home. She loves her friends and asks for them to come over often, she loves to help me bake and make coffee, she loves to talk on the phone, she loves to draw and take pictures. I love my adventurous days with her, she makes me laugh, and cry, she makes me frustrated and she makes me so incredibly happy, she is the joy that wakes me up in the morning and that I cant wait to get into bed every night. Thank you Jesus for my precious Catherine Jane.

Life is so good, and we are so blessed. When I finally stop and realize all that I have been given, I realize the precious gifts from Jesus. He is continually in control and he loves me so much.

Love you all!

We are Back!!!

We are back from a week of a non working keyboard for our computer. We just got this one in the mail today and its working great. As you can see above I posted out pictures from going to Las Cruces to see Parents and Grandparents last weekend. It was so much fun. We got back last monday and this monday we are all sick. James woke up sick on Saturday and this morning I woke up feeling it. So we took as we like to call it a "secret day off." We love these days that are unexpected days off and just hanging out with eachother.

Anyways I have been super domestic this weekend and crafty......so here are the chairs we built and painted for Catie J. I had so much fun. Today I am working on staining and fixing up some frames I got from a yard sale last weekend with Mom.

Not so much else is happening! We hope all is well and we hope to hear from you soon!

Grandparents.......

You Give and Take Away...

So I was in the car singing along with the song "Blessed Be the Name" it gets to the part where is says; "You give and take away, you give and take away, but still I choose to say Blessed be the Name of the Lord." As I began to actually think about the song I was singing and I thought about the reality of actually believing this and it being true of who I am as a Child of our Precious Saviour.
Can I honestly say "God, when I am not happy with you and when things dont go my way, or when you take away something materialistic, or more, in my life, can I with all sincerity and a pure heart say, "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord."
Wow! What a calling as a believer to trust in a God that knows me better than I know myself. That he has this plan so much bigger than mine. He wants in my roughest and greatest hours to come to him and fall into his arms and rest in his peace, grace and neverending mercy. When I choose to do that, I also come to trust and rest in his faithfulness and he allows me the grace to get through anything. What a mighty God. I have a hard time believing this for longer than 10 minutes at a time, which i think is a good thing, because it calls me to continually be in prayer before my Father asking for this (not that I always do that). And then when I can really believe all of this I can come and honestly say "Blessed be your name, Lord."
I love the thought that someone bigger than me is in control. I hate the thought at the same time because my plan and my way are the best... Right??? I know this is not true, but to get that from my head to my heart is another thing. Its so easy to think with my head and the realities of living in this controling world we do this day and age. Everyone has their plan and their way of life and Idea of how its all going to work out. Although it never quite seems to work just the way we want. Why is that? Because its on our own strength and control. I think if God knew we could figure it all out on our own, we would, so he created hardships so that we could learn how to depend on him. And in depending on him, we once again find mercy and grace. Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of Grace with confidence so that we may find mercy and grace to help us in our time of need." He wants us to approach him with confidence because he longs to give us mercy and grace. Its so hard for me to allow the thought into my head that, this is what he wants from me. He wants to love me and protect me and give me these beautiful gifts. What an amazing God.
I am blessed to be his daughter. I am blessed to know that he is in control, and I am blessed to belive for a little bit, that my acceptance and my affermation comes from him. I pray that I continue to believe this and that I contine to depend on and to ask my Jesus to get me through this life. Good and Bad!
You give and take away, you give and take away but still I choose to say, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

Marriage as Drama

Welcome to the twenty-first century, James Waddell! Now some of you may be reading my title and thinking, "Whoa, James - that's a dangerous first post on a blog!" Let me help you relax...I don't mean drama as in trouble, but as in a play, or the theater.

Watching our wedding video again tonight, Ray Van Neste struck me again with his point that Jerilyn and I each "play a part" in acting out the gospel together. His point came from Ephesians 5. But first, let me examine this text, which we've looked at a few times in my class on Biblical Sexuality. In class, we talked about gender roles and equality. Ephesians 5 is used by both major camps, verse 21 by those calling for equality ("mutual submission"), verse 24 for those calling for hierarchy ("submit...in everything"). Looking at the whole passage, however, the point is not what women can and cannot do, but that each partner in marriage has a different way of submitting to Christ in each other's lives: wives by respect, husbands by love.

Not to dismiss this vital and necessary debate (I think we need more practical application of the equality of women while keeping biblical roles), but I almost missed the grace and power of God's call for marriage by thinking on the argument. Then I came home, watched our wedding video, and saw Dr. Van Neste tell a much younger us about how we play parts in a drama that shows off the truth of the gospel. To paraphrase this scholar, whenever people hear about the love of Christ, they should understand it more by how I love Jerilyn; if people wonder about how to react in love to Christ, they can realize the means through watching Jerilyn respect me.

This theater show plays before everyone who can see us and who knows us, as is true of all other married couples, and of how singles treat the opposite gender. The world is watching; God is directing. Therefore, what I think about marriage roles is important. How I act out my marriage, however, (especially when the curtain is up) determines what people will think about Jesus. "On with the show!"

Winter is slowly approaching

Its time for hats and scarves to enter the wardrobe!!! I am working on making all my new hats for this season! These picture are from last year. If you have any requests let me know so I can get started on it now, before it gets cold. You know how cold it gets here in Phoenix. Have a fun day!

Living Life to its fullest

As we push on through this life we continue to learn more and more of what the Lord has prepared for us. We are fully learning to trust in his faithfulness and his timing. We serve an Amazing God, yet we choose to try to figure stuff out ourselves.

We have recently been struggling through what is next.....It always seems like its easier to look ahead than to where we are right now. But what I find I end up doing, when all I do is look ahead, is I get impatient and grumpy with where I am. So how do you go about living in the "now" and also planning for the future. I know this can get into huge theology issues, but honestly we are not ulitmately in control of our future, so how do you "plan" for the future.

If I could have seen 10 years ago, where I would be now in life, I dont know if this is what i would have chosen then. But the Lord in his soverignty has blessed me with more than I would have chosen for myself.

I guess my main struggle is learning how to trust the Father with where I am now and also the future. Without worrying about my future!

I know this probably all sounds confusing, but with life right now it seems like the most forfront thing on my mind.

James is in Seminary and will be done in May. So for the past 3 years we have just known this is where we are and what life looks like. We love our little apartment, we love our daughter, we love our church, we love our friends, we love our walk we go on etc.... But in light of knowing that James will definatly have more options ahead of him, in being done with school, what do we do next? How much do we put into what is next and how much do we just "trust" and truly live where we are now? Iyiyiyiyi!!!!!

In other news, Catie J is growing up so fast, she is learning how to sound out words now! She loves to read books with mommy and daddy and she also love to try to read to her stuffed animals. She has lately been struggling with sleeping, needless to say so have all of us. She goes so hard all day long that the last thing she wants to do is sleep. She seems to think there are so many other important things to be doing. I really dont think there are at 1 in the morning. She is so energetic, and keeps us going all day long! I love my little girl....speaking of I need to get back to her, have a great day!