She is Gods gift and miracle. We are unbelivably thankful for her precious life.

A look Back

I cannot believe my beautiful little girl is gonna be 3 on Saturday. It sometimes seems like yesteday we were bringing her home from the hospital. I was able to remember my labor story with my sister this weekend and I am amazed at how quickly it makes me cry with happy tears everytime I remember. I am also amazed at how quickly I am taken back to all the rush and emotions of fear and excitement that the day of her birth held for us.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night and my water had broken, I went tell James and he said i was probably just freaking out and I needed to go back to sleep. So after some convincing (a huge wet spot on our bed) we decided to call the nurse at the hospital to see what we should do. She said wait an hour and then come in. Since i wasnt having contractions, James proceeded to go back to bed and I started cleaning and freaking out. After the slowest hour of my life, I woke my husband up and we packed our bags and went to the hospital. They checked and my water had broken and they admitted me. Since I wasnt having any contractions and my water had broken, they decided to put me on pitocin (a hormone that starts contractions and speeds up labor). I didnt feel anything until about 6 that morning. When I did start feeling contractions I felt them hard and fast. And after about 6 hours of that and only being at 3 centimeters, I decided I needed an epidural NOW. Once I got the epidural I was starting to enjoy the whole labor and birth process, when all the sudden about 3 that afternoon the baby's heart rate dropped. I say baby because at the time we had not yet found out what we were having. All the sudden a rush of 5 or 6 doctors and nurses came running into the room and unplugging everything and started running me down the O.R. I had no clue what was going on and all I wanted was to see James. They finally told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping so quickly that they needed to do an emergency c-section. All of the sudden the anastesiologist came in a gave me the numbing medicine for a c-section and It came up so high in my chest I couldnt breath, so they did something. Well as they transfered me to the operating table, somehow the baby shifted and the heart rate shot right back up to normal. So my Doctor decided she didnt want to do a c-section if she didnt have to. They checked me and I was 10 centimeters but I coulnt push because of all the numbing medicine. So they gave me medicine to stop contractions, medicine to make the numbing ware off, medicing to lower my blood pressure and because I was vomiting, medicine for that as well. Well because of all the medicine, I started having little seizures. We are at about 4 pm at this time. After about 5 hours my medicines wore off and I felt contractions strong and hard, I told my new nurse I had to push and she told me I need to "hold on". I told her, "if you dont hurry up my husband will deliver this baby weather the doctor is here or not." I think she took me seriously because the doctor was in the room within 2 minutes. The baby's heart rate started dropping again and so they used the forceps and pulled my beautiful baby girl out. She had the umbilical cord wrapped around her little neck 3 times. All of that and she was a healthy 7lb 4oz little girl who was 19 inches long. She was just showing me a miniscule part of the stubborness that we are now working on. She has ever since that day only made my life happier and more beautiful. I love this little girl with all of my heart. She is a beautiful gift and miricle!!! It is so bittersweet celebrating her 3rd birthday. I so often wish I could go back to that day and feel the feeling of her brand new life in my arms, yet I am so happy and joyful to see my beautiful little angel and how she has grown and the precious heart she has. She is a leader and she is strong. She loves Jesus and she loves people so much. She is my beautiful Catherine Jane.

Gifts.....

I was on a walk with my beautiful little girl today and I was once again struck by the beautiful gift she is. Besides my amazing husband she is the most incredible gift the Father has blessed me with.
Since last March we have been wanting to grow our family. For now, the Lord has said "no." In this process of the last year, we have gone through so many stages. First it was the feeling of being invincible. For example, we got pregnant with Catherine immediatly, so we thought adding to our family would be no big deal. Boy was I wrong, after about 3 months I started to get really angry and mad at God in my lack of understanding. Then after about 2 or 3 more months, I started getting really depressed and sad. No one could say anything that wouln't make me cry, I was an emotional wreck.(My poor, poor husband.) After a little while I started trying to figure it out, to analyze it all. Time of month, amount of days, I read anything and everything and it became a game, that I am obviously not winning. Then in about December, I tried to pretend like it didnt matter and I didnt care, if we did we did and if not, Im fine, just fine. I could put up my wall and put on my smile while inside I was cringing at the announcement of another friend getting pregnant, I was crying inside every time I saw a mom and a newborn baby and I was not letting my husband or my daughter into my life. So last month after a total breakdown, I let it all out, for the first time I acknowleged my pain, my anger my frustration and my brokeness, in that I realized my husband feels all those same thing and my daughter, just wants mommy to "have a happy day, no more crying." At that time I was blessed with that peace that He says "surpasses all understanding." I was able to rest for the first time with out trying to figure it all out, and I was able to laugh with my husband and we were all able to cry together. Now here we are still hoping, still longing and still begging Jesus for the gift of life to be added to our family, but in the midst of hoping, longing and begging we are (I am) able to rest in the beauty of who Jesus is. He loves us, he is not out to get us, he wants to bless us and he cares so incredibly for my broken heart. But he wants to be the one to heal it, as amazing as a baby would be, he has to be the one who heals me and my brokeness.
So back to my daughter being a gift.......I am at a point now, that I should have been at a long, long time ago, where I am realizing the TRUE miricle and gift and blessing that my amazing daughter is. To get to be her mom and to remember carrying her in my womb and the pains of labor and the struggles of breastfeeding and the sleepless nights, the memories I once considered so hard and miserable, I now consider some of the most amazing times in my life. I want to cherish the good the bad the hard, the fun, the struggles, the joy and the absolute gift and miricle it is that I get to be a MOM! I love being a mom and I love my beautiful little girl. The one who calls me when she is scared, the one who wants to hold my hand when she falls asleep, the one who want me to sing to her and rock her, the one who crys for me when she doesnt know what else to do. I hope I always remember to treasure being called "mom." It is a pure gift from my precious Jesus who loves me so much. I am also so blessed to be called wife to an amazing husband who loves me and adores me in all of my yuckiness and pride. I love that he is my partner that I get to grow up with and experience life with.
We will see what the next stage is........hopefully a little one, but until then I will rest in the arms of one who know me better that I know myself.